The Bitter Single Guy Provides Breakup Advice
Dear Bitter Single Guy: What's the best way to break up with someone? Should I give my reasons or just keep it a simple "I don't think we're right for each other?" I don't want to cause unnecessary pain. -- I Want Out
Dear IWO: Unfortunately, the Bitter Single Guy has to tell you that there is no easy way to dump someone, no compassionate way to deliver the news without hurting the dumpee, no way to appear as anything other than an ogre. This person may ask what she could have done differently, ostensibly with the idea of improving her performance for the next relationship. Don't fall into this trap IWO, this is not an exit interview from a job.
Do not under any circumstances use a line like "you deserve someone better than me." That's condescending (and also just a lie) and although it sounds like the person should think 'wow…he's trying to make me a better person!' this doesn't really ease anyone's pain; he'll know you're lying.
Similarly, stay away from "It's not you, it's me." This is also incredibly condescending and if your victim is anything like the BSG she's likely to rip out your throat with her teeth, just because she can. The BSG's recommendation: go with "we're not right for each other" if you want to be gentle. Or, if you're as smooth as the BSG, you can end a relationship with the following line that the BSG swears he is not making up: "I don't believe you're able to participate in a relationship in a way that will be meaningful for me." The BSG had the better part of a day to think that line up and it was quite rewarding to actually use it. By that time of course, the relationship was way past salvaging anyway, so the BSG could have asked "Is that a duck over there, or is your car blue?" and the result would have been exactly the same (leading to the BSG's current state of bitterness and single-ness.)
Secondly, the BSG has recommendations for the delivery method. The BSG knows you IWO and he knows that you will be tempted to find some weasely way out of your breakup obligation. You may be tempted, in this age of technological solutions, to email your dumpee. You will justify this behavior saying that the two of you have always communicated by email! You will think about how it will make it easier for him to receive this difficult message because he can read it in the quiet of his own home. Yes. You will come to the conclusion that the only humane thing to do is to email him to tell him that it's not him, it's you. Pathetic, pathetic, pathetic. The BSG knows that if you had to, you could talk yourself off the edge of a cliff.
By the way, the BSG needs to tell you, IWO (and all the rest of you as well) that there is a special place in hell reserved for people who break up by just disappearing. You don't call anymore, don't email anymore, and pretend as though you have broken up despite your total lack of spine as you avoided having any conversation at all. The BSG right now empowers all of you, if you know someone who has dumped someone in this non-closure sort of way, to flick them soundly on the head.
OK, there it is, IWO. It's like ripping off a bandage, or jumping into icy water. It's going to be unpleasant but it's the right thing to do.