Dumped For Her Ex
Dear Bitter Single Guy: I’m going through a pretty nasty breakup. I'm 37, she's 26. I didn't know this girl that long, maybe 4 months, but things moved incredibly quickly. We talked shop--buying a house, marriage, kids--but the underlying problem with me is that she could not let go of her ex. She says that we are incompatible in a relationship, wants to be friends, talk, hang out eventually... Surprise, surprise, she's back with her ex, even the night after she moved out... moved her stuff back in to his place like nothing ever changed with them. I tried the friendship crap for a week, gave up, told her to leave me alone two days ago. I'm trying to move on, I still think about her way too much--we work at the same place, which doesn't help--I still can't sleep right after 3 weeks, and I'm in severe emotional pain. I even have dreams that I cannot remember and I wake up in a cold sweat, horrid pain in my chest, huge anxiety. I have tried taking things to make me sleep, but nothing works, I am just awake/exhausted... I don't know why they call it heartache, really, feels like my whole body/soul aches. I hang with family, friends, and I'm even trying dating, thought its SO tough for me. I just can't seem to move on, but that is exactly what I want because this girl is such bad news for me. I just can't be just friends with her, especially after her breaking my heart the same day she told me that she was still in love with me. Please help, BSG.
-Looking For A Moving Truck
Dear LAMT: The Bitter Single Guy’s heart is just breaking on your behalf! The BSG freely admits, like a junkie, that he has found himself totally wrapped up into relationships that he KNOWS are evil and soul-crushing and yet he has the tortured journal entries to demonstrate how much he wanted (again, like a junkie) that person back in his life! Honestly, these journal entries are incredibly informative for the BSG in his own crappy relationship history.
The good news LAMT, is that these journal entries get better and better. Eventually, the BSG doesn’t feel the tug of the drug anymore, even though he can remember what it was to be high (totally into the junkie metaphor now).
OK, here’s some detail:
1). Don’t be friends. The offer of friendship is meant to ease your ex’s guilt at dumping you for her ex. In other words, she’s the only winner in the friendship attempt. Cut off contact with her. The BSG hates that you work with her and hopes that you are able to go through a day (or many days, ideally) without any contact with her. This, the BSG believes, is only going to make your withdrawal take longer. Cut ties, don’t see her, don’t talk about her, don’t text message her, none of that crap.
2). Wallow in your grief. It’s common for us to believe that we shouldn’t feel grief at a breakup so we get frustrated with our inability to sleep, our bouts of sadness, our inability to move on. Gracious, you were talking houses and kids with this woman, your world has been rocked on its foundation…rest a little. If possible, take a vacation to get away from the space you shared with her. But mostly, recognize this for what it is: a necessary time for you to grieve the loss of your relationship. Take care of yourself, eat ice cream, watch crappy re-runs, hole up in your house for days at a time wearing only sweats (the BSG is prescribing his own medicine now, but you get the gist), and know that this is just like having the flu. This grief will have its way with you for awhile until it has run its course.
3). Watch for real problems. You’ve gotten sleep aids from (the BSG is assuming) your doctor…don’t stop there. If you continue to have trouble sleeping, or if you find your life adversely affected (this is subjective, get your doctor to help you decide what the right degree of unpleasantness is) get more help. Get some therapy, get some more meds. None of this means that you have a long term problem; it just means that you need some assistance getting over a difficult time in your life. This is exactly what human services is all about. If your friends start worrying about you, talk with your doctor, that’s the BSG’s easy litmus test.
Take care of yourself LAMT, and don’t accept any responsibility for making your ex feel better about her tacky behavior.