Miniature Midlife Crisis
Dear Bitter Single Guy: Up until recently I've been an extremely happy single girl and now I'm turning 36 and am having a miniature mid-life crisis. I had a chronic illness for 2 years and now that I am feeling much better, after so long I am finding myself interested in relationships again. So I have this crush on a really nice guy that manages a place that I frequent. We have talked briefly on many occasions, and one day in particular, he gave me what I thought were very clear signals he cared and was interested. So I gave him my business card the next time I saw him - this was really branching out for me after so long of not wanting a relationship. Two weeks, no call, okay, no need for panic. I did not know his situation (married, single, attached, etc.) so wanted to find out without being too forward. In a stupid state of mind I went to do the drive-by thing at his house (while I thought he was at work) to see if there were other cars in the driveway to give me a clue about whether or not he was attached. A ways up the street I see a coworker that I know working in her yard so I stop to talk. And then, oh the timing of it all, the dude pulls up in his driveway, and he sees me sitting there down the street. Actually I have a reason to be in the area due to my job, so at least I have that excuse. I feel so silly and embarrassed, and I swear I am not a stalker but I guess now he thinks so. What do I do? – Miniature Midlife Crisis
Dear MMC: The Bitter Single Guy has to agree that the drive-by was not the smartest approach to finding out if he was attached, for a whole host of reasons. The BSG can think of several reasons why there might be a car in the driveway that don’t equal this Gallant Gent being attached. But the BSG has to admit that in the throes of infatuation he has done some pretty ridiculous stuff, so he’s willing to forgive you this one. Although the BSG is going to assume you have already looked at the ring finger on his left hand to see if he has a wedding ring, eh MMC? That’s certainly a clearer and less stalker-like way to check the marriage box than cruising his neighborhood. Although if you’ve been contentedly out of the dating loop for several years, maybe that didn’t cross your mind?
MMC, the BSG has focused on one particular part of your letter that is compelling…you say that you didn’t want to be too forward. Why the heck not? 36 is definitely not too old to recognize that this is the era of clear communication and if you’re interested in a man, there are lots of ways to safely and respectfully express that. Giving your card is a pretty clear signal and if he’s at all paying attention (a good quality in a potential date) he would understand that as an offer. In the absence of his calling you, the BSG recommends a frontal assault. Try something like “I really enjoy talking with you when I see you here at [insert name of establishment], would you like to get a cup of coffee sometime? The BSG is assuming here that you don’t see him at a coffee shop in which case this could be a confusing offer, so think of some other beverage.
MMC, be prepared to be turned down in case Gallant Gent is married, otherwise partnered, or simply not interested. This is no criticism of you, simply an expression of the weird and non-logical way in which attraction works.
The BSG has to add that he’s quietly pleased that you’ve decided that maybe your long and happy singleness doesn’t have to be a permanent state. Although the BSG has had his share (some might say more than his share, but let’s not go there) of disappointing relationship experiences, he wouldn’t trade the excitement of the chase (whether he’s the chaser or the chasee). Stay on the horse, MMC.