New Year's Eve is Hell

Dear Readers: The Bitter Single Guy is compelled by his sense of righteousness to prevent needless emotional pain and suffering.  Sadly however…he knows you, and knows that you’re not likely to listen.  He knows that you’ll read this warning and think “heck, the BSG doesn’t mean ME!” and will go on about the business of introducing drama into your life.  Consider yourselves warned.

Read this warning today, and then check back on the 2nd of January because that’s when you’ll realize that the BSG knows you and was looking out for your welfare even though you may have been too thickheaded to listen when it was important.  The BSG means this lovingly and with your happiness in mind.

You are an idiot.  Yes, the Bitter Single Guy said it because it’s true and because until he got all enlightened and stuff the BSG was an idiot too.

If you are single, you believe that New Year’s Eve will be when you meet The Right One, the person you’re supposed to spend the Rest of Your Life with.  You’ll imagine a “When Harry Met Sally” moment where all your dreams come true and you just know that you’ll tell the story for years to come about how your lives together really started just at midnight on New Year’s Eve (sigh).   The BSG is all giddy right along with you.

If you’re partnered, then you are prepared to forgive and forget toothpaste-cap sins, thoughtless comments about your fashion sense, and annoying back hair because you know that New Year’s Eve will bring you and your beloved to new levels of joy. You are already imagining the tender yet passionate kiss you’ll share on the dance floor as the clock strikes twelve.

Next is the part the BSG loves the most.  Each of you; the single and the non-single, will create this completely unreasonable storybook experience how?  By adding alcohol, that’s how!  You’ll drink champagne, you’ll drink shots, you’ll drink beer in-between the shots because you will think it brings balance, then you’ll be back to the shots again!  Then you’ll round out the evening with a champagne toast just to keep the booze mix festive.  Along with all this great imbibing, you’ll also be having nachos, taquitos, pigs-in-blankets and whatever other mega-processed nibbly food you can scarf down. 

This delightful combination will ensure that you are ill-mannered, inarticulate and frankly somewhat of an asshole (the BSG is sorry to be harsh, but have you seen yourself when you’re like that?). This will ensure that any hope of a fairy-tale evening will be dashed on the rocks of drunkenness.

Shocked as you are right now, the BSG can almost hear you asking…pleading, really…with him to know how you can avert the disaster of waking up on January 1 knowing that your romantic life is completely hopeless and you’ll die lonely and miserable. Well, the BSG is glad you asked.  Folks just like you (and the BSG) heap mounds of unrealistic expectations onto New Year’s Eve, so the BSG strongly recommends…are you ready, because this is it: have NO expectations for love OR nookie. Don't expect to fall in love, don't expect to deepen your current love, don't expect (for the love of God) to get laid, don't expect ANYTHING.  Next, and this is the part that will make you roll your eyes (the BSG knows you), if you find yourself saying anything like "It's New Year's Eve, it's been a tough year, and I DESERVE to get hammered" then just give up because it'll just be bad.  Drink in moderation Dear Readers, stick to one kind of alcohol, and remember that no one...NO one...gets hotter as they get drunker. 

But you know all this from previous New Year’s Eves and yet you’ve been unwilling to realize it.  The BSG is here to help you, but he knows some of you will still ignore him.  That’s OK, though…the Bitter Single Guy will be here to help you pick up the pieces.