Ready to Take the Plunge

Dear Bitter Single Guy: My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years now.  He is the best guy I've met; he says I'm the best girl he's met; we are very much in love with each other.  I want to get married and have kids, and he says that he wants to as well.  We are both done with college/settled into our jobs/sowed our wild oats, etc.  When we have "the talk" about marriage, he only has negative things to say, like he's scared I'll let myself go, or he's scared that the sex will stop, and a number of other marriage cliches--It ruins the whole marriage thing for me. I don't want to give him an ultimatum...but I don't want to lose him either! - Ready to take the Plunge

Dear RTP: The Bitter Single Guy hopes that you see, as he does, the mixed messages you're getting from your Timid Tadpole.  If he wants to marry (as you say) what's with all the unpleasant negativity? Timid Tadpole's excuses are frankly a little adolescent, the BSG thinks.  He thinks you'll let yourself go? Does he have some committment that he won't let himSELF go, or does he have that oh-so-attractive dude belief that he can morph into a fat hairy ape and still be as attractive as ever?  Don't take that crap, RTP.  Scared the sex will stop if you get married? What does he think will happen if you just date for a few more years?  The BSG finds that the hot and sweaty lovin' does take a dip in frequency as the years slip by.  Is he planning to bail once things settle in more? 

RTP, the BSG has little patience with adolescent behavior like your Timid Tadpole is exhibiting here.  The BSG recommends that you ask him what his criteria are...what has to be true in order for him to be ready for marriage?  Don't ask this during a fight, it will come across condescending...instead, have an open non-threatening conversation with him and ask him what his criteria are. Be prepared for an "I don't know...it'll just feel right" or some other such nonsense, but persevere.  Wait a few months and bring it up again. 

If Timid Tadpole isn't able to come up with anything (and even if he is) you should probably determine what YOUR criteria is.  How long are you willing to stay in your current situation?  The BSG ALWAYS recommends against ultimatums...those never turn out good.  But the BSG also recommends knowing your limits and managing to them. Either way, don't let his lack of a decision turn into a lifestyle choice unless that's what you want.