Soul Mates and Crushes...a Cautionary Tale

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I, like most born in the western hemisphere, was raised to believe in Prince Charming, or more accurately, a soul mate. Experiences with life have taught me quite differently, and yet I see all these happy couples, that appear to be happy, even if “the grass is always greener on the other side” theory always rings true. But, I’m tired of being completely disillusioned by men, and I’m pretty sure I’ve grown some cynicism without meaning to. What has happened to society? Why is everyone so uninterested in everyone else? (I haven’t had a crush on anyone in quite a while, and when I do try to pursue something, the timing never works out) Is it possible to have love and lust in a relationship, and be happy? And if not, why the hell can’t we stop projecting this image, and just go back to arranged marriages, with lovers on the side? -- Disillusioned Princess

Dear DP: Gracious, the Bitter Single Guy thinks that he's bitter!  The BSG knows however that bitterness is like the tide and some days you think it will just wash the beach away and you along with it (you seem to be having one of those days, DP).

DP your letter seems more a rant than a search for answers, but the BSG will take a few moments to respond anyway from his own bitter perspective. 

Soulmates (aka Prince Charming, Ms./Mr.Right): The BSG doesn't believe, at this point in his bitter relationship career, that there is a soulmate out there for us all.  Rather, the BSG believes that there are lots of folks with whom you can connect in a meaningful way for a day, a month or a lifetime.  Recognizing and appreciating these connections is a sign of great maturity in the BSG's experience. Recognizing when these connections have run their course and not being cruel and hateful about it is a sign of true enlightenment.

Crushes: These are the spice of life!  The BSG cousels all his readers to wallow a tiny bit in crushes, even from the safety of a solid relationship. DP, if you're not feeling any crushes, the BSG recommends that you spend some time concentrating on self-love (and not in that Savage Love sort of way...unless that will get you there), or simply that you change your social circle so you can connect with some more crush-worthy candidates.

Love and Lust in one relationship: Yes, the BSG believes this is possible, but believes the lust, like bitterness can come and go within a relationship.  So the BSG thinks that engaging in a little fantasy lust (see the previous note about crushes) is not unhealthy.  If there is no love in the relationship, it's time to cut the cord.

Arranged marriages with lovers on the side: C'mon, DP...you don't really want that or you wouldn't have written to the BSG.  You're looking for the wind up your skirt, the blush in your cheeks, the mental pre-occupation and the general nausea that goes along with being In Love.  That said, while you're waiting, the BSG is supportive of an occasional appetizer while you're waiting for dinner to be served, if you catch his drift.

Mostly DP, the BSG says you need to get some self-love going on...get some exercise, read a good book, spend an evening cooking healthy food then follow up with ice cream.  Once you get in that groove, change your social circle...take a pottery class, join a dart league, play some softball. 

Or alternately, you could write a bitter relationship advice column.